


speak now (turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you)

by icygrace



Category: Olympics RPF, Sports RPF, Swimming RPF
Genre: AU to What the Water Gave Me AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 00:29:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8822485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icygrace/pseuds/icygrace
Summary: I've been spending the last [10 years] thinking / All love ever does is break and burn and end. / But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> AU of for want of a nail (the alternate ending to What the Water Gave Me) as of Tuesday, December 31, 2030. Partially a response to bologna10’s prompt http://hadrons-collide.livejournal.com/13514.html?thread=271818#t271818. Summary from Taylor Swift’s “Begin Again” and title from “Speak Now.” (“Back to December”)

_Wednesday, June 7, 2028 – New York, NY_

 

The first thing Ryan notices about the guy, from a distance, is that he’s really something _._

 

In New York, Ryan’s surrounded by attractive men, gay and straight alike. Women, too. This guy, though . . . Yeah, he’s got great dark hair, deep, dark eyes that make you wish you could read minds, cheekbones that could cut glass.

 

But there’s more to it . . . he’s magnetic somehow. It’s the only reason he doesn’t bite McDreamy’s head off when he has the nerve to take one of Ryan’s earbuds out.

 

He can’t decide whether to kiss or kill Erika when McDreamy introduces himself as Derrick Richardson. The well-connected hot-shot fashion lawyer Erika thinks he should hire and arranged for him to meet during MFW.

 

Ryan should absolutely _not_ hire the guy.

 

Yes, Derrick Richardson is qualified and connected and has good taste in music, too, but he might also fall under the category of “workplace hazard.”

 

Ryan does it anyway.

 

_Thursday, June 29, 2028_

He texts his new lawyer as soon as he lands. He needs to think about something other than what happened in Omaha.

 

**(386) back, lets get started**

 

_Wednesday, July 5, 2028_

Unlike nearly everyone he knows in New York, Derrick doesn’t make a big deal about things not going the way Oliver wanted in Omaha. “I’m sorry trials didn’t work out. But he swam really well. Seems like the beginning of the end for anybody who does the events he plans to pursue. Like father, like son, yeah?”

 

_I wish Pop was my real father instead of you!_

 

(But he isn’t, _he isn’t_ , _heisnt_.)

 

_You don’t mean that._

( _Because I am,_ I am, Iam _._ )

 

“ _Jeah_. You mean _jeah_. Number one rule of Team Lochte. Pretty sure it’s in the contract –”

 

“And if it isn’t, it should be and it’ll be my job to put it there.” Derrick pats his hand with a wry smile that reminds him of –

 

He shakes his head and tries not to dwell on the . . . _zing_ he felt just then. Derrick obviously thinks _jeah_ is just as ridiculous as even he kind of does now, but it’s _his_. “Hell jeah. What else am I paying you for?”

Derrick throws his head back, laughing so hard he nearly snorts out his iced coffee.

_Tuesday, December 31, 2030_

 

“Ma?”

 

She’s too busy with his tie, getting him ready for the rehearsal dinner, to answer him.

 

“I don’t want to do this.”

 

She looks at him with affectionate exasperation. “Wear this?”

 

“Get married.” _Again._

 

“Ryan –”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Honey –”

 

“ _Mom_.”

 

That’s when she seems to really listen. And then she does something that makes him want to run away. “Kristin!” When she doesn’t get a reply, she tries again. “Kristin!”

 

“I’m wearing heels, Mother,” Kristin snipes what feels like seconds later.

 

“Your brother has cold feet.” _Fix it, please._

 

Somehow, he’s the emotional pillar of the family (or he was, before everything fell apart for him), but Kristin, more logically, has always been the fixer.

 

“If he doesn’t get over it by tomorrow, the boys can march him down if he has trouble,” his sister breezes.

 

“Oliver’d help me run away,” he retorts.

 

“Ry?” Suddenly Kris isn’t sassing or making light of things. “Why would you want to?”

 

“Derrick deserves better.”

 

“Don’t say that. Ryan, don’t you _say_ that,” his mother orders.

 

“It’s true. He deserves better than me and my baggage and my –”

 

“But he wants _you_. He loves you, he’s not going to cheat on you –” Kristin _had_ to go there, didn’t she?

 

“I didn’t think Michael would.” But that’s not why he’s suddenly realized he needs out. Well, it’s not about being afraid Derrick will tear him up –

 

It’s about the fact that all these fucking years later, he’s still not over the man who did. And he can’t marry somebody else – a good guy who loves him, who’s good to his kids even if his kids sometimes act like they hate him for something he can’t help (not being their father) – and how the hell has it taken him this long to figure it out?

 

Yeah, he went into this eyes wide open – he knows he’s not whole, he’s never going to be again, but he should at least be able to give Derrick all the pieces of his heart, and he can’t even do that.

 

He can’t go through with this.

 

Even deeper down, he knows that’s not even the whole truth He’s not a saint. He’s a selfish bastard and the only reason he’s gotten cold feet about dragging Derrick down with him is what _he_ wants, even if he can’t (can’t let himself) have it.

 

Every day with Derrick would be a day without Michael. It doesn’t even make sense to him, but somehow it was easier not to be with Michael when he was alone than now that he has someone to share his bed and his home and every day of his life with.

 

“I’m not doing this,” he announces.

 

“Ry, don’t –”

 

He flags down the first taxi he sees and takes a deep breath as he opens the door.

 

\---

 

“We’re not supposed to see each other except at dinner,” Derrick mock-scolds when he opens the door of his luxury suite at the Waldorf.

 

Derrick had left their Upper East Side penthouse for the weekend, according to strict wedding tradition. His mother, the WASP matriarch of the Richardson family, had rented it for him for the week. It was one of several wedding gifts to her youngest.

 

He knows it was a gesture, meant to appease his own mother, who’s as superstitious as they come and insisted that, among other things, they should make sure not to see each other before the ceremony.

 

He had laughed in the face of those superstitions before his first wedding. This time around, Mom _begged_ him to take them seriously. Considering how spectacularly badly his first marriage ended, it didn’t seem like a bad idea, so they decided to make her happy. 

 

“I’m so sorry,” he blurts out helplessly.

 

“Ryan – I – what – you look like someone –”

 

“I can’t do this.”

 

Derrick hadn’t ever pushed or pressured him.  _He’d_ called Derrick when he got back from Omaha over two years ago. _He’d_ put the moves on Derrick. _He’d_ initiated The Talk.

 

\---

 

The exclusivity one, not the sex one. He’s never had to give the sex one.

 

Kristin took it upon herself to give it to Lo – who’s been kinda traumatized about it ever since – and then when he thought maybe he should make sure Oliver had had it, too, Oliver shuddered and gritted out that Bob had it covered.

 

That was weird enough that he emailed Michael to check in. Turns out Bob had gotten wind that Oliver was fooling around with a fellow NBAC trainee and had given their punk the talking-to of his life. No shenanigans on Bob Bowman’s watch.

 

\---

 

 _He’d_ asked Derrick to move in with him and marry him and Derrick always said yes, and now _he_ has the nerve to say no.

 

Derrick’s mouth is a perfect O (perfect mouth, perfect lips) of shock when he figures out what “this” is until his face crumples and Ryan can’t look at him anymore.

 

\---

 

His first instinct isn’t to wallow. He’s on his phone for the whole ten-minute drive.

 

“It’s off,” he tells Mom and Kristin the second they open the door.

 

Kristin hisses a “goddamn _it_ , Ryan” under her breath that sounds just like Dad, but it’s not followed by the explosion he expected.

 

“Oh _no_ ,” his mother sighs, tearing up.

 

But he hasn’t got time for her tears, bad as it sounds. “Where are the kids? Mine, I mean.”

 

“The rec room.”

 

He tries for light-hearted. “Yo, brats!”

 

They look serious as a heart attack and Lo chews anxiously at her cuticle. “Are you OK, Daddy?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I –”

 

“Grandma and Aunt Kristin were shitting a brick,” Oliver interrupts, sounding almost bored.

 

Ryan would’ve thought he would be throwing a party right now.

 

“But it’s still on, right?” Oliver continues in the same tone.

 

“No. It’s off. Pack your bags.”

 

Lo raises a perfect brown-blonde brow. “For Fiji?”

 

“It’s kind of sad, bringing your kids on your honeymoon because –”

 

“I’m not getting married now, so it’s only fair your dad gets you for New Year’s. It’s one of his days. Quick though, like just carry-ons.”

 

Traffic is a bitch and the last flight that’ll get them there before midnight leaves at 9:20, arrives at 11:20.

 

The twins eye him uncertainly.

 

“But,” Lo begins. “What about y –”

 

“I’m coming, too.”

 

\---

 

On their way out the door, they practically walk into some professional movers Cece’s sent to pack up Derrick’s things (how the hell did she manage that at this hour on New Year’s Eve?), to remove all traces of him from the penthouse that had become theirs.

 

Ryan has to crank the windows of their hired car all the way down despite the twins’ protests. He feels a little sick at how easy it is, wonders how much Derrick hurts right now, whether someday Derrick will be him and some guy he doesn’t know will end up feeling the way Derrick must feel tonight.

 

\---

 

“Tell your dad to come pick you guys up,” he tells Lo between breaths after they’ve cleared security and sprinted to their gate. “Before the flight takes off.”

 

“And you’re just . . . going to hang out in the terminal on your own on New Year’s Eve, the night you should’ve been at your rehearsal dinner for your _wedding_?” she asks after taking a few gulps of air.

 

“I –”

 

“He’ll come with, he just doesn’t want you to tell Dad in advance,” Oliver explains snarkily.

 

“Could you like chill?”

 

“Whatever. Like Dad probably has plans, maybe a date or whatever, bet you didn’t think of _that_ , did you, Pops?”

 

He didn’t.

 

_Fuck._

 

\---

 

Lo’s passcode is so basic he gets it on the first try after she falls asleep and Oliver on her other side. Michael didn’t answer her texts before they got up in the air.

 

**(352) wedding off**

**(352) coming back to bmore tonight**

**(352) delta 1731 arrives 1120pm bwi**

**(352) dad???**

**(352) come get us please**

**(352) boarding now**

**(352) call when we land**

 

\---

 

_Wednesday, January 1, 2031 – Baltimore, MD_

 

Michael’s at the airport waiting for them, and the look on his face, the way for once in his life he almost doesn’t notice the kids, makes Ryan think maybe this wasn’t so crazy after all.

 

“Get a table, and order some hot chocolates,” he says, mouth dry, pressing a twenty into Lo’s hand. “She only has two hands,” he adds, for Oliver’s benefit, before Oliver can protest, and then they’re as alone as they can be in the middle of an airport.

 

“You called it off?” Michael asks at last.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Why d’you think?” _You, stupid._

 

“Don’t make me guess.” Michael swallows visibly. “Please don’t make me get my hopes up,” he says quietly.

 

Ten years ago today, Ryan told Michael they couldn’t go on the way they were.

 

Today, he tells him he can’t go on the way he is. “He isn’t you, and I couldn’t take it anymore.”

 

Even though every instinct of self-preservation and pride still screamed against it, the truth, at the bottom of it all, never changed: he wants Michael still, more than he’s ever wanted anyone or anything else.

                            

They ring in the New Year in the BWI terminal drinking spiked hot chocolate with their underage kids, and hope they get it right this time.


End file.
